"Dog Music" by Andrew Byrds
I feel myself getting older.
Everyday through the tiny nuances that once gave a sense of hell yeah here we go turns into oh no what's wrong with me?
Waking up the blood vibes bringing meat into soreness, something pulled weeks ago still daggers until i hit myself to calm down.
Old injuries catching up.
I ran until acid plated my insides and I could taste that neutral breath within me.
I dragged broken furniture to the curb wiping the grit on my jeans looking around smiling at the passing dogs and trash gummed in the storm drains and knew life treated me fine at some points.
This is a different point.
It all catches up.
There are stones in my jaw.
Worms nested in my arms.
And they're biting.
Even the stones have teeth.
Sleep doesn't take any of this away.
Lately I've listened to relaxing dog music on YouTube--like actually for dogs, picture of a fat chocolate lab dozing off and everything.
And I fall asleep faster than usual.
So the nightmares come faster too.
The first night my niece died.
We found her body in the machine shed. We didn't say anything. Just tears and bodies and tears and bodies.
The second night my mom died.
We didn't find her body.
We just knew.
We just knew.
I am getting older.
The flesh changes.
The mind changes.
I try my best to ignore those tiny nuances.
Even the good ones.
Like the monarchs.
I can watch the monarchs ride the air a little while, I can kick up the spent grass after a September rain and that isn't enough.
Sometimes it isn't enough.