"Dating Profile" by B. Diehl

When it comes to failing,
I’m a success. I’ve got
compassionate palms,
but my fingers
are basically rattlesnakes.

If you’re lonely
and

thirsting

for sympathy, I’ll always
make things worse
with my too-salty tears.

I am a tornado going in for a hug.
I am Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

I breathe without lungs,
disguising myself
with wooden angel wings
and a halo crafted from
a fool’s-gold trophy
for “BIGGEST IDIOT EVER.”

I am Pinocchio at the pearly gates.
Cause of death: suicide by wood chipper.

My ideal first date would involve
both of us creating makeshift wings
by gluing together a bunch
of random DVDs from the 5-dollar bin
at Wal-Mart…and then jumping
off the Empire State Building.

Hospital bracelets
are my favorite type of jewelry.

 

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