"That First Morning When You Wake up

and Your First Thought Is 'Fuck This' " by Blake Middleton

 

that first morning when you wake up and your first thought is 'fuck this'

 

then every morning after that

shit-talking your decisions as you make them

the faces of all the people you love but not enough

the faces of all the people you love but can't change

life like one long ‘eh, fuck it’

whispering ‘i won't let the world eat you’ as the most romantic thing ever

an empty bugles bag blowing through the family dollar parking lot

as the realest shit ever 

getting black-out drunk to escape reality

 

sleeping for twelve hours to escape reality after getting black-out drunk to escape reality

 

waking up drunk

 

popping an adderall

 

driving to work

 

not even upset

 

just kind of there

 

drunk at 8 a.m., firing your co-workers for fun 

a shitty plastic trophy for getting out of bed

 

a machine that lets you clock-in by bashing it with a hammer

 

staring at google images of national parks in the bathroom at work

 

heroin in the ceiling at work

 

watching the dishwasher overdose during easter brunch

 

long periods of thinking nothing but ‘fuck everyone in this restaurant’

 

doing push-ups in the bathroom at work

 

reading sartre in the bathroom at work

 

a small reminder that your time is still yours

 

but only barely

 

smiling, thinking ‘no future’ after an incredibly hung-over shift

 

driving home

 

locking yourself in your room

aggressively shit-talking capitalism in your head while reading about fracking

 

writing ‘fuck’ in the margins

 

a proliferation of terrifying wikipedia pages

 

thinking that there's no viable way to move through time and space without causing pain and suffering to other people

 

the feeling that most people know this but don’t care

 

the feeling that you know this but don’t care

 

blocking out an incredibly large portion of reality to function in society

a sleek new desperate quietism

knowing that having time to read is a privilege that billions of people don’t have

 

so be nice

 

trying to be nice while dealing with all your personal bullshit

 

failing to be nice while dealing with all your personal bullshit

 

crying in bed after finishing a book about the cold war

 

staring at your ceiling on a twin mattress at 2 a.m., remembering that

the only way out of your life is by dying

 

remembering that dying is going to hurt

 

and you're going to have to do it

 

remembering exactly how small of an animal you are

 

you really are a small and cute animal

 

so start acting like one

 

nurturing your anxiety with bleak nonfiction

 

because someone had to say ‘hey, uh, maybe we should ban the use

of weather modification as a weapon’

 

echoes of all the tiny grunts that started wars

 

bringing the world into your head

 

more and more blank faces

 

piecing together the shit-bricks of history

 

throwing bricks at the names in your head

 

learning more and more but feeling less and less confident about what to do with any of it

reading the shitty histories that led to your okay life

 

that feeling when it clicks: uh-oh, I want nothing to do with the society I live in

 

and your career ambitions are just an attempt to build a small safe world

inside a big fucking terrifying one

 

the feeling that most people don’t care about the things that matter

the feeling that you don’t know what matters

 

the feeling when you stop trying to figure it out

 

looking at people and remembering you’re one of them

 

oh man you’re one of them

 

oh fuck you’re one of them

 

but whatever

 

it's just you vs. everyone else’s bullshit forever