"That First Morning When You Wake up

and Your First Thought Is 'Fuck This' " by Blake Middleton


that first morning when you wake up and your first thought is 'fuck this'


then every morning after that

shit-talking your decisions as you make them

the faces of all the people you love but not enough

the faces of all the people you love but can't change

life like one long ‘eh, fuck it’

whispering ‘i won't let the world eat you’ as the most romantic thing ever

an empty bugles bag blowing through the family dollar parking lot

as the realest shit ever 

getting black-out drunk to escape reality


sleeping for twelve hours to escape reality after getting black-out drunk to escape reality


waking up drunk


popping an adderall


driving to work


not even upset


just kind of there


drunk at 8 a.m., firing your co-workers for fun 

a shitty plastic trophy for getting out of bed


a machine that lets you clock-in by bashing it with a hammer


staring at google images of national parks in the bathroom at work


heroin in the ceiling at work


watching the dishwasher overdose during easter brunch


long periods of thinking nothing but ‘fuck everyone in this restaurant’


doing push-ups in the bathroom at work


reading sartre in the bathroom at work


a small reminder that your time is still yours


but only barely


smiling, thinking ‘no future’ after an incredibly hung-over shift


driving home


locking yourself in your room

aggressively shit-talking capitalism in your head while reading about fracking


writing ‘fuck’ in the margins


a proliferation of terrifying wikipedia pages


thinking that there's no viable way to move through time and space without causing pain and suffering to other people


the feeling that most people know this but don’t care


the feeling that you know this but don’t care


blocking out an incredibly large portion of reality to function in society

a sleek new desperate quietism

knowing that having time to read is a privilege that billions of people don’t have


so be nice


trying to be nice while dealing with all your personal bullshit


failing to be nice while dealing with all your personal bullshit


crying in bed after finishing a book about the cold war


staring at your ceiling on a twin mattress at 2 a.m., remembering that

the only way out of your life is by dying


remembering that dying is going to hurt


and you're going to have to do it


remembering exactly how small of an animal you are


you really are a small and cute animal


so start acting like one


nurturing your anxiety with bleak nonfiction


because someone had to say ‘hey, uh, maybe we should ban the use

of weather modification as a weapon’


echoes of all the tiny grunts that started wars


bringing the world into your head


more and more blank faces


piecing together the shit-bricks of history


throwing bricks at the names in your head


learning more and more but feeling less and less confident about what to do with any of it

reading the shitty histories that led to your okay life


that feeling when it clicks: uh-oh, I want nothing to do with the society I live in


and your career ambitions are just an attempt to build a small safe world

inside a big fucking terrifying one


the feeling that most people don’t care about the things that matter

the feeling that you don’t know what matters


the feeling when you stop trying to figure it out


looking at people and remembering you’re one of them


oh man you’re one of them


oh fuck you’re one of them


but whatever


it's just you vs. everyone else’s bullshit forever