"If I Ever Had My Very Own Netflix Comedy Special, I Would Probably Name It Suicide Spank Bank" by Brian Alan Ellis


Random 10-second fantasy where 

I gather all the confidence I have left in life 

to perform a stand-up comedy routine 

and I meltdown-level bomb on stage 

and then kill myself a week later 

but for other reasons 

so don’t blame comedy.


"The Unbearable Lightness of Being Tagged in Someone’s Facebook Memory" by Brian Alan Ellis


Sometimes you wonder why you’ve remained 

friends with a person after so many years 

but then you remember 

the sealed Married with Children comic book 

tacked to their living room wall 

and you’re all like, 

“Oh.”

"Certified Fresh!" by Brian Alan Ellis

 

I did not see the new Star Wars movie. 

What I did see, however, was 

an old man have a heart attack 

and get taken out of the restaurant 

on a stretcher 

as his family stayed 

and finished their meal.

Which reminds me:

 

Seeing Bladebummer tonight, 

which isn’t a movie but 

a live action tour de force 

where I probably have to clean 

a grown person’s vomit 

out of the bathroom sink 

while at work.