"Manti Te'o" by Christoph Paul


My girlfriend would write me poems

on my MySpace page. 

 

My girlfriend is like so cool.

 

I’m trying to go on a double date 

with Drew Brees, 

 

but he shakes his head no

every time I ask him 

 

to meet my girlfriend. 

 

Drew is so disciplined 

just like my girlfriend.

"Matt Ryan" by Christoph Paul

To motivate me 

I go see a dominatrix

who lives in the suburbs of Atlanta.

 

We watch my Super Bowl tape

playing only the 4th quarter 

while my master Mrs. Blank

 

puts cigarettes out on my chest 

and pees on the burns to ease the pain—

then she pegs me.

 

It still doesn’t hurt 

or humiliate as me

as much as that Super Bowl loss. 

"Mel Kiper Jr." by Christoph Paul

 

This poetry isn’t even worth 

a 7th round pick. 

Where is the speed?

Where are the tight stanza breaks?

This kid Christoph was ok in college,

but in the big boy book world, 

he doesn’t have the stuff. 

Now, that Billy Collins,

he can write some poetry. 

Christoph Paul, he’s just an

Instagram-bro Jamarcus Russell.