"Manti Te'o" by Christoph Paul
My girlfriend would write me poems
on my MySpace page.
My girlfriend is like so cool.
I’m trying to go on a double date
with Drew Brees,
but he shakes his head no
every time I ask him
to meet my girlfriend.
Drew is so disciplined
just like my girlfriend.
"Matt Ryan" by Christoph Paul
To motivate me
I go see a dominatrix
who lives in the suburbs of Atlanta.
We watch my Super Bowl tape
playing only the 4th quarter
while my master Mrs. Blank
puts cigarettes out on my chest
and pees on the burns to ease the pain—
then she pegs me.
It still doesn’t hurt
or humiliate as me
as much as that Super Bowl loss.
"Mel Kiper Jr." by Christoph Paul
This poetry isn’t even worth
a 7th round pick.
Where is the speed?
Where are the tight stanza breaks?
This kid Christoph was ok in college,
but in the big boy book world,
he doesn’t have the stuff.
Now, that Billy Collins,
he can write some poetry.
Christoph Paul, he’s just an
Instagram-bro Jamarcus Russell.