10 Unedited Facebook Statuses by Caitlyn Siehl

me, calling 911: hi everything's fine but i need a lot of attention immediately

‪"Siri, how can I communicate to a complete stranger that I would die for their dog"‬

I participated in class, literally just said a 4 word sentence, and my adrenaline is through the roof, my heart is beating so FAST I COULD LIFT A CAR I AM AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE

Had to stop in the stairwell to let a professor walk by and I went to say "Morning!" to him but I got nervous at the last second so I only got the "M" out and wound up kind of just moaning at him as he walked by



me meeting new people: oh god please please please don't say anything fucking weird please

also me: do you guys ever think about how birds only have like one opening to do EVERYTHING? how wild. like they poop and pee out of the same place AND have sex like that, it's truly amazing

I'm at a diner and the waitress keeps walking by me singing just the completely incorrect lyrics to "Take Me to Church." 
Most current thing she said: "Take me to church, I'll sell you my kids so you can brighten my life"

waiters always come over and ask you how your meal is when you're like, in the middle of deep-throating an entire chicken wing

5 minutes into a date: SO anyway--yeah the breadsticks look delicious--the love story between Kissin' Kate Barlow and Sam in Holes is the reason why I'm crying into my salad right now

*tells everyone to grow up*
*googles how to fill out a check*