"How to Apply for Jobs in 19 Easy Steps" by Gretchen Uhrinek


1.     Wake up at 11:14 every morning. Check your phone without unplugging it from the charger. Through one crusty eye, see that you have 8 unread emails. While none of them are in response to job applications you’ve sent out, all of them promise you new writing opportunities in the Pittsburgh area.

2.     Turn your phone face down. Roll over. Just because you’ve already slept for twelve hours doesn’t mean you can't use a bit more rest.

3.     At high noon, look at your phone again. You have a new email. It’s from State Farm. They’re looking for insurance agents in your area!

4.     Mark the State Farm email as spam and unsubscribe. This happens every morning.

5.     Message your equally-unemployed friend who has more degrees than you, from better schools than you, and ask if he wants to move to Vietnam with you. Discuss the pros and cons of moving to a third-world country to teach English. Realize that you can't afford the plane ticket anyway.

6.     Go to the bathroom. Scroll through Facebook until both of your legs fall asleep.

7.     Open every cabinet in your kitchen three times before settling on a cup of cold, burnt coffee for lunch.

8.     Go back to the bathroom. Bring your coffee and laptop with you.

9.     As you tailor a few key lines from your cover letter, notice a little (1) in your email tab. Chad says he’s really excited to share what State Farm has to offer.

10.  Write a response to Chad: “State Farm insurance jobs are the herpes of the professional world.” Explain, “They’re the result of settling when you have no other option, and once it happens, you’re infected forever.” Ask, “Is that what you want, Chad? To give me herpes?” Spend twenty minutes fine-tuning those lines. Hit send. That’ll show ‘em.

11.  Find five employers that need someone with your exact qualifications, except they prefer a candidate who has experience working with a software that nobody outside of that specific company has even heard of. Apply anyway. Expect nothing.

12.  Open the kitchen cabinets again. Microwave some canned corn.

13.  Attempt to work on your craft. An hour and five words later, accept that you’re too depressed to make anything worthwhile.

14.  Crawl back into bed. Watch sixteen episodes of Bob’s Burgers and eat 900 calories of off-brand peanut butter.

15.  Send another email to Chad: “Hey, I know you don’t really know me, but I was just wondering. Are you happy? Like, in general?”

16.  Send another email to Chad: “With a name like Chad, do you feel like you’ve had more opportunities than other people?”

17.  Send another email to Chad: “Hey, are you even getting these?”

18.  Fall asleep watching your phone, waiting for the blue blink that means you’ve gotten an email.

19.  Wake up twelve hours later. Stacy from State Farm is looking for insurance agents in your area.