"Local Woman Accidentally Terrorizes Target Customers with Noisy Clearance Halloween Decor That Won't Turn Off" by Isabella J Mansfield
I thought to myself as I stood in the store
manager’s office. "I don't know how I got here,
how it escalated to this."
Minding my own business, like every other
suburban mom, meandering every red and white
aisle with a burnt cup of coffee, a
nagging forgetfulness for the one thing
I needed and will again leave without
(dishwasher soap, if you're keeping track)
and lured to the back of the store by
yellow and black tags screaming
"Seventy percent off!"
Pumpkin.
Spice.
Everything.
And covered in glitter, crows covered in glitter,
headstones covered in glitter, bones
covered in glitter and broken
chipped plastic skulls staring in packs of
pink and green and marigold,
Dia de los Desecration
But crushed velvet pumpkins!
and candlesticks! and skeletons! and spiders!
and things that go bump! and there:
in the aisle between Halloween and Christmas,
where nobody remembers
Thanksgiving, the vintage gothic
telephone with the fake rotary dial,
paramount style, a handset I'll have
to explain to my son how to hold,
and the booming, creepy voice, 70% off,
nestled into my cart between discount candy
I don't need, foam pumpkins, and the
space for the dishwasher soap
I still haven't remembered. Twenty people,
maybe more, before the exit. It began.
"I'M
COMING
FOR
YOU"
In the cereal aisle, the nice young couple and the alarmed baby
"HOW
DARE
YOU"
to the soup, the man buying spaghettios
"LOOK
BEHIND
YOU"
the woman at the peanut butter,
only she turned around and said "geez, lady"
I moved quick through the aisles but only
egged it on. Motion sensors fired faster.
Dread filled me at every turn
"I
KNOW
WHO
YOU
ARE"
Evil laughter rang through the store.
From aisles down, shoppers looked at me
in shock, as though I was the threat.
"COME
WITH
ME
TO
THE
GRAVE"
And before I could remember the dishwasher soap,
before I reached the greeting
cards, it haunted, taunted
every customer it passed. Every child.
Every red shirt and khaki pants...except one.
"Ma'am...." said the manager.
"All I wanted was a pumpkin!"
In retrospect, I probably shouldn't
have shouted,
I thought to myself as I stood in the store
manager’s office. "I don't know how
I got here, how it escalated to this."
All I wanted was a pumpkin.