"Borderline Seeks Narcissist" by J.M. Dalton

ANSWER: someone to watch TV, eat with and kiss goodnight

QUESTION: what's a thing I'll never have?
 

*
 

...and the thirstier

you are, the less attractive

you seem, but the

 

less attractive

you seem, the thirstier

you become each day...

*

*loves self for fifteen seconds*

OK, I'm a whole person. Now will you go out with me?

*

PRESS CONFERENCE: Good afternoon. You may have heard that today the American Psychological Association and American Psychiatric Association issued a joint statement discouraging people from dating me.
 

I do not dispute their findings. I wouldn't date me, either.

*

A panic attack a day keeps a boyfriend away.

*

all week I wait for

the weekend as if I'll be

happy or something

 

instead I'll sleep for

days to escape this nightmare,

dreaming of old "you"s

*
 

Come for the anxious negativity.

Stay for the overwhelming clinginess!
 

*
 

Gay men of America: give me a reason to shave.
 

*
 

Hey fuckers with plans on this dumb Friday night

most especially you who have romantic plans

I hope your cars are all stalled, and that you get a fright

when the demons appear screeching, "No holding hands!"

 

Yes, I'm calling in favors from Satan himself

I'm sick of you couples, and retch at the sight

I found an apocalypse coupon online

I'm cashing it in 'cause it serves you all right
 

*
 

Is that an anxiety disorder in your pocket, or are you just inventing reasons not to see me?
 

*
 

I don't recommend asking someone what ABDL stands for when you see it on their dating profile.
 

*
 

I've never gotten over someone before, only replaced one obsessive crush with another.


*


Is it called Tinder because it makes me want to start fires?
 

*
 

Keep forgetting to be friends first.
 

*
 

Love in the Time of Celexa.
 

*
 

maybe if I took better selfies

maybe if I lost more weight

maybe if I got new clothes

maybe if I smiled more

maybe if I wanted less

maybe if I

maybe
 

*
 

ME: Hey Siri, if neither of us are married by the time we're 40...

Siri: No.
 

*
 

MTV True Life: My Contacts List Is Mostly Relatives
 

*
 

S  ince

I

N  ever

G  et

L  aid

E  ver
 

*
 

Saw a commercial about removing hard water stains and thought, "Maybe the water in my body is hard, and that's why I'm so difficult?
 

*
 

Should I make an OkCupid profile for the third time, get incredibly discouraged, then kill myself? Or should I skip OkCupid?
 

*
 

Shout out to all the couples tonight--as in, please shout at them until they break up.


*
 

ME: If only I could like, rent a boyfriend for an evening? Just for dinner and a movie, cuddling?
 

FRIEND: Well, technically you can do that, but um...
 

*
 

To for once be desired instead of just tolerated would be fucking incredible.
 

*
 

Withering away

like a plant everyone tells
to water itself.

"How can you expect
someone to water you, if
YOU won't water you?"