"Borderline Seeks Narcissist" by J.M. Dalton

ANSWER: someone to watch TV, eat with and kiss goodnight

QUESTION: what's a thing I'll never have?


...and the thirstier

you are, the less attractive

you seem, but the


less attractive

you seem, the thirstier

you become each day...


*loves self for fifteen seconds*

OK, I'm a whole person. Now will you go out with me?


PRESS CONFERENCE: Good afternoon. You may have heard that today the American Psychological Association and American Psychiatric Association issued a joint statement discouraging people from dating me.

I do not dispute their findings. I wouldn't date me, either.


A panic attack a day keeps a boyfriend away.


all week I wait for

the weekend as if I'll be

happy or something


instead I'll sleep for

days to escape this nightmare,

dreaming of old "you"s


Come for the anxious negativity.

Stay for the overwhelming clinginess!


Gay men of America: give me a reason to shave.


Hey fuckers with plans on this dumb Friday night

most especially you who have romantic plans

I hope your cars are all stalled, and that you get a fright

when the demons appear screeching, "No holding hands!"


Yes, I'm calling in favors from Satan himself

I'm sick of you couples, and retch at the sight

I found an apocalypse coupon online

I'm cashing it in 'cause it serves you all right


Is that an anxiety disorder in your pocket, or are you just inventing reasons not to see me?


I don't recommend asking someone what ABDL stands for when you see it on their dating profile.


I've never gotten over someone before, only replaced one obsessive crush with another.


Is it called Tinder because it makes me want to start fires?


Keep forgetting to be friends first.


Love in the Time of Celexa.


maybe if I took better selfies

maybe if I lost more weight

maybe if I got new clothes

maybe if I smiled more

maybe if I wanted less

maybe if I



ME: Hey Siri, if neither of us are married by the time we're 40...

Siri: No.


MTV True Life: My Contacts List Is Mostly Relatives


S  ince


N  ever

G  et

L  aid

E  ver


Saw a commercial about removing hard water stains and thought, "Maybe the water in my body is hard, and that's why I'm so difficult?


Should I make an OkCupid profile for the third time, get incredibly discouraged, then kill myself? Or should I skip OkCupid?


Shout out to all the couples tonight--as in, please shout at them until they break up.


ME: If only I could like, rent a boyfriend for an evening? Just for dinner and a movie, cuddling?

FRIEND: Well, technically you can do that, but um...


To for once be desired instead of just tolerated would be fucking incredible.


Withering away

like a plant everyone tells
to water itself.

"How can you expect
someone to water you, if
YOU won't water you?"