"Golf" by Kurt Aschermann
Golf is a serious game played very quietly by serious people in serious pants (apparently, sweatpants aren’t considered serious).
You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is almost completely ridiculous.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
The following is a step-by-step guide for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable.
1. Mention how great you are at golf several times prior to the round. Then, play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse at each hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this" while blaming things like the condition of the course or some kind of back injury. When you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls you out on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring it up.
2. Disappear for really long stretches of time. Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask, "Where have you been?" you can say:
A. "Playing tennis."
B. "I'd rather not say."
C. "On the third hole, giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Wok cooking."
D. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."
E. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood. Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tasmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops, and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.
4. A lot of the time, golf takes place early in the morning, so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some of them is encouraged.
Next-level scrambled eggs:
- Bring some with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green.
- Use some egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.
If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they might not), make a wager on a hole: "Sink this shot, and you can reach in and grab as much as you want."
5. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:
A. Give a "thumbs up" and hold your thumbs up for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask them to dance. Not with you, but to dance by themselves.
C. Return shortly after and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen, and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.
6. The clubhouse is a big deal, though I'm not sure why. It's basically a gift shop with beer.
Here are a few ways to shake it up a bit in the clubhouse:
A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway at 11, a cup of sand from the 6th hole, or just items from the clubhouse: "How much for this chair? Hey, I got $40! Do I hear $50?!" Make sure you have a gavel.
B. Announce that drinks are on you, then when a person orders a beer, single them out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Parade someone around the clubhouse, flanked by a handful of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie-talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse, repeating the same thing each time.