"Ann E. Dunwoody" by Lauren Dostal

 

I sat next to Ann E. Dunwoody

one time and she said, Hi, I'm Ann E. Dunwoody

and I said to the bartender, two beers,

please. And she said, Nice to meet you, but I really

would prefer a cosmo since I am a woman.

And I said, how is it you joined the military and

worked your way up to become the nation's first

female four star general? And she said, Ya,

that was a tough one

and that she is really glad there are now

a couple more ladies in the upper ranks

because

fetching coffee for the other 978 generals and admirals

was getting pretty difficult on her own. And then she said,

Do you want to see me balance 978

cups of coffee on my body? And of course

I had to consent to this amazing feat. And she did it,

trays on her arms, head, shoulders, and feet,

waddling like a penguin in her fatigues.

And I said, is that all they let you do?

And she said, No! Of course not! I got

to redesign the uniforms, too. Every few years, I got

to do it. They said, Ann, we know it will cost

the tax payers billions, but we do not believe

your feminine graces should be wasted on the

mass slaughter of foreign armies. So every time they saw me

sitting idle at my desk waiting for orders, they swooped in

and saved me from my boredom by suggesting

another fashion project.

I felt used at first, but look at our boys in green!

Don't they just sparkle in that couture desert camouflage?