"Why I Spent Xmas Break Rewatching Jersey Shore

for Like the 10th Time & Why I Am OK with That" by Leza Cantoral

Xmas is my birthday. So I always have mixed feelings about it. It makes me think about death. It is depressing. Something that always cheers me up is watching Jersey Shore. I don’t know why. It is just such a stupid show but in like the purest way possible. Every character has a meaningful character arc. Everyone on the shore is fucked up. Everyone is so human.


The producing was genius. They saw that a show about these people interacting would be interesting, pitting character types against each other, like gladiators, but of reality TV. In fact, insert booze, hot heads, & planted drama, & you get some very real shit. & shit gets real on this show.


Jersey Shore will seriously fuck with your head. & I am the kinda girl that will do a David Lynch, Dario Argento, or Jean-Luc Goddard marathon any damn day of the week. This show has something about it that keeps pulling you back, like a trashy Twin Peaks.


It was disappointing to see them not really see Italy, when they had the chance to go in season 4. Club night episode left me very weirded out. Like, you’re in fucking Italy. & you wanna go back to Jersey? Watching those girls drunkenly stumbling down cobblestone streets in heels is enough to give you a headache. Like, Dina fell so many times.


But watching JWoww peeing at bars & behind cars is pretty prime reality TV stuff. I almost wanna do like, a pissing camera. Like live pissing. Find public places & sneak a piss in. It would be ironic, because I’d be broadcasting something I’d have to hide from the people around me.


Watching reality TV has this lurid aspect to it. Like watching sexy bullfighters getting gored. *pictures Mike “The Situation” getting his crotch gored by a bull*


TBH Mike was always the biggest creeper. He was not doing it for the same reasons as the others. He wanted to start shit & get famous for being a jackass so he could be a professional jackass. I liked Mike at first but by season 3 it became clear he was in it for the drama & had no sense of loyalty to people who had opened their hearts & legs (not to be too lude) to him.


You will see some crazy sex on Jersey Shore. Sure, you don’t see most of it, but you see enough, probably more than you want to see. Of the Jersey Shore cast, I would only fuck Vinny. He was funny on the show & he is still just doing him. Vinny is a cool dude & he knows more about climate change than the president of this nation. [See below.] Also, Vinny is looking pretty good these days. Hey, babe, for you I’m totally DTF. :)


I kid you not, I have dreamed about these bitches on the shore. They are weirdly real to me in ways other celebrities are not. A reality star gives you their life as material. Snooki, JWoww, & Sammi have given me relationship advice in my dreams. Might explain the state of my love life.


Watching pretty people fucking up their lives never gets boring even though it makes us feel a little bit evil inside for enjoying it. Maybe we are all a little evil. Do you love Titanic, E.T., or Forrest Gump? Don’t worry, you’re evil too.


This is a show I keep coming back to & I really don’t know why. There is some truth I seek in its labyrinth of plot twists, hairspray, & Jersey Shore pathos. You find yourself caring about every single character, despite yourself. & that is the great part. It is so real. You are seeing reality. It is true reality TV. I’m not saying it’s the best thing to watch but if you are wanting to see a good reality show that is never boring & makes you think about a surprising amount of things, watch Jersey Shore.


Are you a blast in a glass? You know you fucking are! Literally get drunk & watch the show, & you will feel like you are right there with them.


Here are some reasons to get over your snooty hipster ass & watch this groundbreaking MTV reality show: 

-Snooki is fucking hilarious

-Mike "The Situation" is one of the best reality TV villains aside from Spencer Pratt on The Hills

-It is like going to the club (a scuzzy Jersey Shore club) without ever even leaving your bed

-karma goes down at Karma

-those outfits

-the hair

-the hair-pulling

-the drama

-for-real catharsis

-guidos say the damnedest shit

-guidettes say the damnedest shit

-did I say the hair?