"Several Questions for Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, Ph.D." by Madeline Isenbarger

I feel like I might want to be choked during sex, but I’m not sure. While trying to decide, I did a little Googling, and I read your article on psychologytoday.com, which says, “Is your lover asking to choke you while having sex? If so, be warned. Someone who wants to strangle during sex has paired sex and violence. Such behavior does not end well... He has violent fantasies which could easily end in death. It is too dangerous to play with, so be warned if someone asks you to engage in this kind of rough sex. It is bad news.” 


But Deborah, what if I’m not asking TO strangle, but to BE strangled? Is that also bad news? I mean “strangled” is a little dramatic, more like I want to be fucked like they hate their own mother, and should that involve a few popped blood vessels in my throat, so be it. (Could you ask Freud about that one? I assume everyone within the Ph. D. community knows each other. Did Freud even have a Ph. D.?)


Also, Deborah, you mention a “he” having “violent fantasies," but what if I’m looking for a busy power-dyke who barely has a fifteen minute lunch break to get me off, but due to her time management skills can pencil me in for a quickie at the Asphyxiation Station? Is that better or worse? Am I still allowed to be a feminist if I’m interested in the “he” choking me as well?


How do you even request being choked during sex? Is that something you discuss formally over dinner at Applebee's, or is it less uncomfortable to request it in the throes of bumping uglies? What is your over-text policy? Like, can I just send a quick, “lol, just wondering if u wanna cum over n choke me l8r?” or does it definitely need to be an in-person conversation? 


How long do you have to know the person dishing out the choke? Like, is choking reserved strictly for long-term hetero relationships that are on the cusp of ending after six years of missionary while Jimmy Fallon lip-syncs to “Ice Ice Baby” on the TV in the background, or can I just go balls to the wall choke-fest with someone I matched with on Tinder five minutes ago?


Anyways, get back to me when you can!


P.S. does potentially wanting to be choked during sex mean I’m suicidal? Probably not, because when I considered that, I felt sad because if I kill myself now I’d never get to experience sexual choking, so I guess that’s one question answered.