"Chat a Snap" by Misti Rainwater-Lites

I'm fake at Facebook. All my friends are Italian.

I don't know any of them.

I don't speak their language.

Perfect. No problems.

I'm myself only more so on Instagram.

Dramatic selfies are addictive!

So are hastily scribbled sketches.

So are a lot of things.

Judging a motherfucker

might take you as far

as the closest Taco Bell.

Eat that shit for me.

I'm at Subway.

"Kardashian Vomit" by Misti Rainwater-Lites

Someone is watching them.

Kardashians kontinue.

I watch in my donut pajamas

bloated from the kind of cheese

you spray from a can.

"Writing a book is like

the most annoying thing ever."

Khloe Kardashian writes books

signs books sells books.

She has to fill the hours somehow

between big deal boyfriends

kocktails

koffee klatsch

kunt krew

kewpie doll voodoo

kitten kostume selfies

all up in that social media

instant gratification flavor.

"Why do you watch that crap?"

I have to fill the hours somehow

between sloppy cheap makeup selfies

and mad scribble scrabble.

It's interesting watching people

think up ways to spend millions of dollars.

Impromptu trips to Iceland.

Housewarming parties with like

really expensive candles and deejays and shit.

All those kids.

All that klutter.

I'm kurious about how exactly

their deaths will be televised.

Probably with plenty

of killer

lighting.

"Pathetic" by Misti Rainwater-Lites

fLa verdad. 
I am pathetic at eBay and a few other places. 
Don't cry for me, Argentina. 
The truth is I'll never be Madonna and the closer I get to fifty 
the more okay this fact feels. 
I began buying and selling at eBay in 2008. 
I lived in what I lovingly refer to as The Crack Whore Shack 
with my infant son and my second husband. 
Only one adult could fit in the bathroom at a time. 
There was a mural of a cartoon monkey on the bathroom wall. 
The floors were slanted and ripped in places. 
The washing machine and dryer were on the tiny back porch. 
One night I spent an hour or more washing my son's bottles, 
nipples and nipple rings by hand (no dishwasher)...put it all
in the drying rack, left the room, 
returned to find a gargantuan cockroach crawling
all over the clean dishes. 
So what did I do? 
Well, I killed the damn thing 
then washed everything all over again in scalding hot water. 
My husband was working on an offshore drilling rig. 
We were still broke, still living on government cheese. 
So I started buying (cheap stuff, so that I could establish myself with a rating)
and selling on eBay. 
I'd sell crap I bought at the Port Arthur Goodwill.
I once sold a bunch of plates my mother-in-law gave me.
I don't know who in the hell she thought 
I'd be entertaining in The Crack Whore Shack. 
Anyway, the buyer sent me a message complaining 
that all the plates were broken but no surprise there 
since I'd wrapped them in paper towels. 
I was that stupid. 
I begged the buyer to please not give me negative feedback. 
She was decent about it. 
She got her prompt refund. 
Oh, and I sold a collector edition Barbie 
to some guy and got pissy because he didn't pay me right away. 
I bombarded him with messages until two weeks later 
he sent me a condescending message and the payment. 
Well shit. 
Then a couple of years ago a woman complained 
that I sold her a "broken dress." 
The dress wasn't broken when I mailed it. 
I don't know what the hell. 
How does a dress break? 
So she left me some shit ass feedback. 
Then last December I listed a train someone gave my son 
(he doesn't play with trains). 
Only one person bid on it and the price was too low 
(I started the bidding at $25...the train is worth at least $100) 
so I sent the guy a message telling him not to pay for the train 
because it was no longer available. 
He sent me an incredulous message. 
He won the train, fair and square! 
He wanted his damn choo choo! 
I told him I didn't feel like discussing my personal life with him. 
Ha! 
I was going to give him some bullshit story 
about how I had a restraining order against my psycho ex 
but he broke into my house during the holidays and 
stole the train in some weird ass form of revenge. 
But I didn't want to go there.
So the guy went ahead and paid for the train 
and I canceled the order and he left me shitty feedback. 
The train is now listed at eBay not as an auction 
but as a Buy it Now item. 
So. 
Yeah.
I'm pretty pathetic. 
But only at eBay and a few other places.