40 Unedited Tweets by Alyssa Ciamp

now that I live w/ my parents & use their WiFi the word h*rny is automatically censored :/

 

Doctor: so u say ur hands have been hurting? Do u know why that is? 

Me, well into my 75th consecutive hour of playing roller coaster tycoon on my phone: no fuckin clue, doc

 

if U could sleep in a bed of pasta would u also fu*ck in it????


Letting my feet dangle off the edge of the bed bc I wanna make a move on the monster underneath my bed


*pulls 57 tampons out of my pocket that I thought was empty*

 

 look......u mite think “men ain’t shit” and trust me I feel u but.....there is one good man out there.......in a green shirt, overalls and a killer mustache........he always knows what 2 say and how 2 fight ghosts :’(


HOLY SH IT This boy I’m talking 2 on tinder says his grandmother can see & talk to ghosts


CAN I SUPER UNLIKE SOMEONE WTF STOP FISHING FOR SHARKS AND TAKING PICS OF U W/ A DEAD SHARK 4 TINDER


can the sun pls kiss me this summer and give me cute freckles across the bridge of my nose


tie me up w/ ur old tangled Apple headphones ;)


Me & the monster under my bed braid each others hair & link trade pokemon on our gameboy colors


rlly impressed w/ how mountain goats balance on high ledges and play instruments @ the same time


can someone photoshop a pic of me kissing Luigi on the cheek?? it’s rlly important I want to put a copy of it in my wallet so I can pull it out whenever anyone asks me anything abt my personal life


if the Super Mario cereal does not have Luigi marshmallows that I can Put In My Own Wet Mouth then it’s Canceled


My phone automatically capitalizes “die” so that’s something


I dont like to brag but I do have a masters degree in fighting styles w/ pikachu in super smash bros melee


the “like” system on Facebook is rigged how many times do I have 2 email zuckerberg pics of my feet to get three likes on a post??!?

 

all of my passwords to my social media are related in some way to fu*cking Luigi & im not sure if this is rock bottom of the joke or just the beginning

 

me, flirting w/ death: how big is ur scythe ;)


If you’re into it there’s an old white dude squeezing oranges into a glass on QVC rn


adding “kissing ;)” to the special skills section of my CV
 

Vacuum commercials r too sexy & make me kinda wanna f*uck a vacuum :/ :/


who wouldn’t want a kiss on each cheek from the property brothers ?!??


If u say “Luigi’s Mansion for the Nintendo GameCube” three (3) times into your bathroom mirror then I appear


my contacts are drying in my eyes and I think this is how I’m gonna die. Donate all of my shit to Nintendo in Luigi’s name

 

what level of inebriated must I be in order 2 tweet “the property brothers can raw me” without an ounce of irony

 

good pussy sounds like the delfino plaza theme from mario sunshine

 

would love 2 curl up and nap in an oversized pasta shell

 

The property brothers can raw me

 

I need a doctor to surgically remove my online presence
 

@ Nintendo: u know how u guys did Dr. Mario?? Can we do a Professor Luigi??? That would b cool & Not At All sexual

 

Me, on a first date: so which pokemon gym leaders do you have crushes on??

 

U: *gets possessed by a demon* 
Me: *gets depressed by a demon*

 

Me, chanting in my car on the way to the mall: dog sweaters dog sweaters dOG SWEATERS DOG SWEATERS DOG SWEATERS
 

wow....it’s rlly getting hot in here ;)

*takes off my old x-files sweatshirt to reveal a novelty tee shirt w/ a big wolf on it*

 

I hope 2nite is not a nite that my own dam vibrator ghosts me by dying mid-session


I only want to write poetry in MTV Next bio formats: 
-once fell in love on New Year’s Eve, I still have that napkin you signed in my closet 
-has a crush on anyone who kisses her softly
-horny for Nintendo

 

my Xmas list: 
-ghost hunting equipment 
-a cute ghost 2 hunt

 

the hill I’m choosing to die on is the one that firmly believes Luigi would be a gentle & tender lover

 

boys are canceled. ghosts are in