30 Unedited Tweets by B. Diehl

 

Thought, “Samesies!” while driving past a dead deer.

 

My biggest fear is waking up one day to find that this entire life has been a dream and I'm actually the lead singer of Smash Mouth.

Still mad at Smash Mouth for ruining the movie Shrek.

 

I wanna be a judge for a poetry slam so I can immediately give a zero to everyone who doesn't end their performance with a cartwheel.

 

Confess your love to someone by abruptly trying to put their entire face into your mouth.

 

Most recent thing I drunkenly searched for on YouTube: "real santa claus sightings."

 

If I ever get married, instead of "kissing the bride," I really want the bride to chokeslam me through a table.

 

I think "The Raven" would be a better poem if Poe got really pissed and dropkicked the raven at the end.

 

Probably going to have to check myself into a psych ward if they remove the dancing hot dog Snapchat filter.


At my funeral, play the dancing hot dog Snapchat filter music.

 

I just want someone to look at me the way audience members at poetry readings look at their phones.

 

I like to "play hard to get" by waiting 3 minutes before responding to a text message.

 

I guess I am kinda like Spider-Man but I shoot awkward glances instead of webs.


Only interested in dating someone who will smack me with a rolled-up newspaper whenever I do something stupid.

 

Pretty sure my depression has a man bun.

 

Freak in the bedroom, freak in the kitchen, freak in the living room, freak in the poetry section of Barnes & Noble.

 

I wonder if someone has ever dropkicked a person while simultaneously crying.

 

May or may not regret admitting to a good friend that I want to clone her 30 times and then have a never-ending orgy with all the clones.

 

Black belt in avoiding eye contact.

 

I find it pretty hard to relate to anyone who doesn't respond to "How are you?" by sticking their head into a garbage can.

 

Remake of Eternal Sunshine where the whole movie is just me trying to repress a memory of a guy I saw wearing crocs and a Smash Mouth shirt.

 

Date idea: your dad completely slaughters me in a game of poker and then trash-talks me to my face for several hours. You're not there.

 

You say, "Tomato!"

I say, "I'm dead inside."

 

A gigantic tree just fell down outside my house, and all I thought was, "Me too, brother."

 

My wildest sexual fantasy is probably the one where somebody replies to my text message in a timely manner.

 

Poetry reading where I compulsively punch myself in the face before/during/after each poem.

 

Poetry reading where I aggressively flop around like a beached fish while simultaneously reciting my stuff in a quiet monotone.
 

My life is basically the novel MOBY-DICK but instead of a whale I'm out to get myself.

Imagine opening your closet and seeing Jackie Chan just sitting there.

 

Cute girl at my job asked me what kind of music I listen to and I panicked and said, "The Blink-182s."