30 Unedited Tweets by B. Diehl


Thought, “Samesies!” while driving past a dead deer.


My biggest fear is waking up one day to find that this entire life has been a dream and I'm actually the lead singer of Smash Mouth.

Still mad at Smash Mouth for ruining the movie Shrek.


I wanna be a judge for a poetry slam so I can immediately give a zero to everyone who doesn't end their performance with a cartwheel.


Confess your love to someone by abruptly trying to put their entire face into your mouth.


Most recent thing I drunkenly searched for on YouTube: "real santa claus sightings."


If I ever get married, instead of "kissing the bride," I really want the bride to chokeslam me through a table.


I think "The Raven" would be a better poem if Poe got really pissed and dropkicked the raven at the end.


Probably going to have to check myself into a psych ward if they remove the dancing hot dog Snapchat filter.

At my funeral, play the dancing hot dog Snapchat filter music.


I just want someone to look at me the way audience members at poetry readings look at their phones.


I like to "play hard to get" by waiting 3 minutes before responding to a text message.


I guess I am kinda like Spider-Man but I shoot awkward glances instead of webs.

Only interested in dating someone who will smack me with a rolled-up newspaper whenever I do something stupid.


Pretty sure my depression has a man bun.


Freak in the bedroom, freak in the kitchen, freak in the living room, freak in the poetry section of Barnes & Noble.


I wonder if someone has ever dropkicked a person while simultaneously crying.


May or may not regret admitting to a good friend that I want to clone her 30 times and then have a never-ending orgy with all the clones.


Black belt in avoiding eye contact.


I find it pretty hard to relate to anyone who doesn't respond to "How are you?" by sticking their head into a garbage can.


Remake of Eternal Sunshine where the whole movie is just me trying to repress a memory of a guy I saw wearing crocs and a Smash Mouth shirt.


Date idea: your dad completely slaughters me in a game of poker and then trash-talks me to my face for several hours. You're not there.


You say, "Tomato!"

I say, "I'm dead inside."


A gigantic tree just fell down outside my house, and all I thought was, "Me too, brother."


My wildest sexual fantasy is probably the one where somebody replies to my text message in a timely manner.


Poetry reading where I compulsively punch myself in the face before/during/after each poem.


Poetry reading where I aggressively flop around like a beached fish while simultaneously reciting my stuff in a quiet monotone.

My life is basically the novel MOBY-DICK but instead of a whale I'm out to get myself.

Imagine opening your closet and seeing Jackie Chan just sitting there.


Cute girl at my job asked me what kind of music I listen to and I panicked and said, "The Blink-182s."