30 Unedited Tweets by Sam Pink

thought, in rodney dangerfield voice, 'sheesh, i'm so broke i can't even use the sidewalk'


momentarily went to walk outside completely naked, then had to think for a second if that was ok, then remembered it wasn't.


performance art piece where every time you get invited to a get-together/party you purposely fall facefirst thru the snack table right away


i'll be the first to admit that while using tin foil i always imagine trying to cut my own head off with the serrated edge thing


felt moment of extreme admiration for a group of ants on the counter, for they had left their homes far behind, to find something, anything.


considering pulling random coworker aside and telling them, in serious/movie-like manner, that i'm in love with them and always have been


graphically imagined waiting in line for 2hrs to see a mall santa then saying, 'payback, frankie' and tossing a lit match into his beard


held up pointer-finger and mouthed 'one more time?' to imaginary crowd while wrapping tape around package.


two hour thriller where i try to prove that my gf removed/discarded my pantera 'decade of domination' cd from car.


tip for tv writers: i don't trust ANY character who doesn't periodically turn/wink at camera.


watched an ant carrying a crumb/something roughly ten times its size up the side of a brickwall and thought, 'hell yeah, dude.'


briefly longed for a friend to whom i routinely say, 'schemin and dreamin, my demon' when asked how i'm doing.


movie that ends with person about to commit suicide with a shotgun but it just shoots a cupcake into their mouth and they start laughing.


felt deep/true terror while conceiving of a creature with the body of a bear and the mind of a squirrel.


stopped abruptly and almost fell trying to avoid a small area of wavering sunlight on the ground, because I thought it was a glowing pit.


if i ever own a house i'm going to fly a single flag out front, with a picture of a muffin on it and the word 'muffin' above the picture


intense, two-hour thriller/mystery where i try to find out why this guy put an energy drink logo sticker on his back windshield.


circled the same block a couple times on foot in an attempt to solicit an invitation to what seemed like a 10yr old's bday party/swordfight


natural disaster movie where i try to warn the rest of the world that 'nu-metal' is still being made/appreciated in florida.


living in your own filth is only depressing if you dont imagine the various pieces of garbage coming alive and singing to you each morning.


wanted to lean back in chair in crowded break room & say to a stranger (who wasn't talking to me) 'guy like me, i'm a two sandwich fella.'


noticed i've been on alert about a made-up creature called 'the scrumbler' who runs out from behind trees & hugs you for as long as it can.


ive thought about it a lot, waited, scanned the horizons for an answer, but i believe it's time for me to start using, 'jumpin jellybeans!'


raised cup of water to coworker i have barely talked to and said, 'ah, nice cup of water' and he looked terrified.


romantic comedy about a person with a slowly shrinking head trying to win over their love interest before their head gets too small.


reached for sandwich with my lips in a camel-like way while reading something before remembering to just move the sandwich.


thinking about carrying around a vasoline covered comb in a sandwich bag so if shit hits the fan i can slick my hair back real quick


saying, 'oh sweet let me see that' when someone's showing you a video on their phone then biting the phone in half


thought, then whispered, 'sex wizard' while engaged in deep staring alone in room.


my heart is warmed by my coworker adjusting to his new front teeth, and the slight whistling sound they've been making.